Friday, March 23, 2012

Liking Someone I Shouldn't

I've noticed that I don't post as much when something deeply personal has been bothering me.  You would think that's backwards, especially since I do use my blog to explore some of what I'm feeling and experiencing. But there are just sometimes that I'm scared of what people will say or me being a bit nervous that keeps me from posting.

I think the last few weeks (at the very least, in complete honesty) have been something like that.  As I do frequently, the title of this post basically says it all.  I like someone, I'm not even sure I can face up to it with a pseudonym (though you can probably piece it together with details), who I really shouldn't.  He's younger than me.  Jesus fucking Christ, he's Shaye's age.  He's still in high school.  He's an actor, and thus someone I have direct authority over (though he's also production manager, which makes dynamics weird).  Not only am I working with him on this show, I'm working with him on my next show too (though this time as co-asms).

Those are the problems.  And I'm pretty sure that's not even all of them.  So why am I attracted to him?  Because he doesn't seem like he's 18.  Because I'm not even technically 3 years older than him.  Because he's easy to be around in a casual setting, but we work flawlessly together in a theatre setting.  Because I understand him.   Because he understands me.  Because he thinks in a remarkably similar way to myself.

I've never (and I do mean that) been attracted to someone similar to myself before.  I understand people generally, but I've always been more attracted to people I just can't understand.  People who push me to learn and stretch.  Boyfriend and Lana both fall into this category.  But that's why this is so different for me.  I am so miserable lately because this is so incredibly problematic.  Almost impossible even.  I see him 5 days of the week for 4 hours minimum because he's the lead in the play.  I don't see anyone else in the world as often.  Even the directors aren't at rehearsals as frequently as he is.  I see my family less.  I see Will less.

I want to distance myself from the whole ordeal, but I can't because I see him day after day.  I can't distance myself emotionally because I just am not able to do so.  Having Boyfriend in town for spring break this week has helped a lot and allowed me to sort of face this.  But how do you get past something you are so profoundly ashamed of?

I rarely ever feel shame.  I honestly can't think of a time that I have offhand.  I do as best I can in every situation and normally, I'm fairly happy with my actions.  But I can't control this.  Oh God I wish I could.  I can't just stop liking someone.  The shame is almost the worst part of it.  Almost.  Along with the: not-ever-being-able-to-act-on-my-feelings bit of it.  Stupid stupid stupid emotions I can't control.

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