Tuesday, June 16, 2015

A Dom for Me

This should make an interesting contrast to my last post, I suspect.  Warning, no in-depth details, but discussion of kink, specifically my newly explored kinks.

I've known what kink and BDSM are from a fairly early age.  I used to be an avid watcher of Law and Order: SVU and CSI (I think my parents only let me because they knew they wouldn't be able to change my actions anyway).  And so a number of "deviant sexual behaviors" are explored as a matter of course throughout those shows.  I wasn't interested or intrigued as a child, but I also wasn't put-off by the behavior.

I can't really remember when I first realized I was interested in kink, most especially as a sub.  It might have been when I realized that I intended to enjoy rough sex, but maybe not.  It's odd, because I think it was more realization than surprise for me.  Like: "Oh, I'd enjoy having my control taken away (god knows I'll never let go of it otherwise), being tied up, and beaten.  But in a consensual manner of course."  And then I moved on with my life.

The thing is, up until now, I haven't had a partner who was interesting in being my Dom.  In truth, I haven't really had a partner who was interested in kink. So a friend and I went to a local kink club.  She enjoyed the atmosphere.  I didn't.  It wasn't the public aspect of it.  It was, however, that I didn't know the people there apart from my friends.  That's why munches are so important, meet people, get to know them, etc.  But I'm not sure even that tact would have worked for me.

I've known this since I was nine.  But I'm not attracted to people until I know them.  It doesn't always have to be knowing them really well, but it tends to be.  That's why I've sometimes known people for years and then suddenly find myself attracted to them.  For a long time, I would rail against this inclination.  I had no desire to ruin or alter my friendships because I'm suddenly attracted to a friend.  But, I'm demisexual, which is the first time I've really used that word in reference to myself.  I'm not necessarily huge on labels.  But in this case, the label concisely expresses what I feel, so I'll use it for now.

So, being demisexual and kinky seems to be an unfortunate combination.  Things tend to work out like this: I know you well enough to be attracted to you, but not so well that I know whether you're kinky.  Turns out sexual preferences aren't a topic most people talk about with all their friends.  And so, I tend to not pursue some of the opportunities I've had, because of timing or some other such thing.

Now, I think I've mentioned him at least once before, but I have a coworker.  I've worked with him on and off for a year and a half now.  And our interests have always aligned, much to my delight.  He's poly, I'm poly.  He's getting out of a long relationship, I'm getting out of a long term relationship (in case you hadn't guessed (I'll probably write about it eventually, but I'm not to that point yet)).  Recently, we were working together again and I realized that we were flirting, and then discovered that I could flirt back on purpose (I'm not very good at this whole thing. I fully acknowledge that).

Our flirting escalated to the point where he threatened to put me over his knee after I had teasingly provoked him yet again.  I immediately bit back the retort that: maybe that wouldn't be that effective a punishment because I'd actually enjoy it.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit to that yet, and so I held my tongue.  And the poor guy apologized to me after work, saying he hadn't wanted to make me uncomfortable.  I assured him he hadn't.

I thought about that interaction the entire night and next day.  And finally decided that I'd create the situation again and this time respond as I wanted to.  So this time when I taunted him, I smirked, and asked him if he wasn't going to follow through on his threat.  We stared at each other for a long time, me daring him, and him clearly torn. And then he spanked me.  Once, but surprisingly hard.  And at work of all places (in case you haven't gathered already, theatre's a weird place).

From there we fell into things.  We talked, a lot.  He bought me a drink after an especially hard day, told me he liked me (and I returned the sentiment), and he kissed me.  We continued to flirt, unambiguously, he called it.  He finally told me that he was into kink and was a Dom, and then asked me.  I told him I was a sub, but had absolutely no experience, but was certainly interested.  He followed me home at the end of that week (in the most exciting, non-weird, consensual way possible).

I've always learned fast, but this progression has been ridiculously so.  It feels almost unsetting, how natural this has been.  He out-talks me, by a fair amount, which is just delightfully novel to me.  More delightfully, he pins me, throws me around, ties me up, and beats me.  All at my request.  I was nervous at first.  But that nervousness evaporated probably within the first five minutes, when I realized I was getting exactly what I wanted.  Our kinks happen to mesh perfectly.  We couldn't have planned that portion better if we'd wanted to, it was just remarkably good luck.

We sorta fell into whatever this is, so easily.  It's not dating, and I'm fine with that.  I don't think either of us are really ready for that.  But the other realization that I've had is: dating or not, I'm more satisfied than I've been in years of a relationship that was dating.  It's wonderful to have someone take my control away, force me to relax.  Relaxation is something I crave, and I seriously can't seem to accomplish by myself.  I can take care of myself, so I do.  But having someone forcing me to let go, to take care of me, to let me just relax, that's amazing.  Things are still new, and I am determined to keep it casual for now (if I say it enough, it will happen), but it's fun.  And I've already realized that I don't think I could go back to only vanilla sex.  Or if I could, I certainly wouldn't want to.

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