Tuesday, January 10, 2012


My whole life has been a battle for control.  Growing up, that was the biggest, by far, conflict with my parents.  I wanted to control my own life; not anyone else's, just my own life.  But I was a kid so my parents asserted their authority and power over me (as indeed most parents do) and very few decisions were my own.  I was so angry all the time.  I just wanted the right to control my own life.  Even if I made bad decisions, I wanted the right to make them and then when I fucked them up, I would be able to learn from my mistakes.

I understood very early on that mistakes were learning opportunities, but I struggled to articulate this to my parents until nearly the middle of high school.  When I finally did manage, my parents simply couldn't understand.  Their job was to protect me from making mistakes and getting hurt.  I was asking them to voluntarily let me make mistakes and thus possibly get hurt (not physically, but emotionally, etc) from them.  But what I wanted and needed was the ability to make mistakes while I still had a safety net, and I told them this.  If I had messed up in college or I make a mistake in the real world, there isn't a whole lot my parents can do for me, but in high school, I still needed to fall back on them.

So senior year I had a lot of freedom.  A lot more than most 17 and 18 year olds.  I didn't really have a curfew.  I slept over at friend's houses, even on weekdays (partially because their houses were a lot closer to my school).  They didn't interfere with my relationship with Boyfriend.  It was nice and after my parents got over the fear that I was completely rejecting them, my relationship with my family got a lot better.

Now, I'm out of college.  I control my own finances, I know how to live in an apartment, I own my own car (which I bought myself), I have a profession that has supplied me with steady jobs, I can explore my own sexuality without being looked down on (mostly).  Life is really good.  But in addition to all those things I have control over in my life, my job requires me to be in control of situations nearly constantly: running rehearsals, keeping the director on time, scheduling, keeping the actors quiet, helping the actors learn the correct lines, running backstage/calling cues, caring for injuries, and the list goes on and on.  I love my job.  I love having control over myself but having control over so many people is something that I think will always make me a little bit wary and it tends to exhaust me.

Sometimes, lately especially, I just wish someone would forcibly (I don't think I could give it up otherwise) take control away from me.  Not permanently and not violently.  But just in a way that forces me to relax and let someone else take charge.


  1. Not sure whether this was where you were going or not (it seems like it, but that could be because of my particular perspective), so if you haven't considered it: might I suggest kink as a possible outlet for the feeling you describe in the last paragraph? I have ideas, depending on what kind of lack-of-control you're looking for.

    1. I should have responded to this ages ago but I replied to you privately instead, but for posterity's sake, this was in fact exactly what I was getting at. And, before I talk about it publicly we should chat private.