Monday, January 9, 2012


Since I have the free time (Two days off! I just worked three weeks straight with only one day off so it's about time that I had some time off) I'm going to try to get some blogging in.  The last post I did, I actually started yesterday morning but didn't have time to finish until today.

I have always been self-aware (This relates heavily into this game I play).  I've always known exactly why I did something, even if my reasoning was convoluted or multi-layered.  Even when my reasoning was unpleasant, I was always aware of it on a semi-conscious level.  That's why when someone tells me I made a mistake/fucked something up completely it hurts me so much.  I not only know I fucked it up, I know why, and it makes me acutely aware of my mistakes.

Self-awareness has been supremely useful in dealing with people because it's taught me to read motives.  I can frequently look at an action and see the causation, the reasoning, behind it.  However, it also gets me into trouble because sometimes I'm not reading the other person, but am instead projecting what my reasoning would be onto the other person.  I could be wrong, but this seems to happen to me less than you might expect.

All the changes in my life, even major ones, I've been able to explain.  But the biggest change in my life lately, discovering I'm poly, I haven't been able to explain.  I'm happier now that I've acknowledged that, but I don't know why.  And I keep turning it over and over in my mind and reaching no solution.  I'm hesitant to even post my musings, because I know everything I've come up with so far is incorrect.

In part, I think I appreciate having two people I can lean on, so I don't put as much stress on poor Boyfriend, but that is so far from the whole of the matter.  I do have other friends who support me when I'm upset, so that really isn't all of it.  And in both of the books I read on polyamory/nonmonogamy/open relationships, they talk about having multiple partners to fill multiple spaces and needs, and I would believe that's what I am doing, I guess I'm just not sure of what spaces they fill for me?

I don't even know.  This is driving me up a wall every time I think about it.  I'm not used to not knowing my own motives.  One thing I am certain of however, is that I am happier than I have been in quite a while and I will be sad when Lana heads back to school, since we both agree long distance can be beyond frustrating/hard and instead we will just try picking things back up when she gets back in the area for awhile.

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