Monday, September 29, 2014

How do I move on?

I wish I could stop crying.  It's not every day anymore, but that's mainly only because I've learned how to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think.  Well, I've had time to think today, and as it normally does, that's led to tears and a break down.

I have never felt so trapped in my life.  The advice you always hear is: talk to them.  Well fine, yes, that's all very good, but what about when talking is more destructive than constructive?  What about when you go to someone, put yourself on the line, and say: "I'm hurting", "I'm broken", "I don't know how to function anymore".  And they tell you: "you're overreacting", "you're taking it too hard", "it's not that big of a deal", "just move on", "you shouldn't be feeling x".  Well yes! In an ideal world, I'd accept this all and just walk away!  Don't you think I want to?  If I could move on with my life, I would.  If I knew how, I would.  But I don't know how!  And worse, I don't know how to get to that point.

I don't know what I did.  I genuinely don't.  We used to get along.  And now we don't.  We didn't drift apart.  That I understand.  That, I've been through before.  That's not what this is though.  "What did I do to bring this on?"  I don't understand!  I've asked and asked, in those exact words, but I've literally been told: "you didn't do anything".  If I didn't do anything, then why am I being treated differently?  If I did do something wrong, why didn't you just tell me so I could fix it?  So what if I'm upset?  How is that even relevant to me needing to know the information so I can become a better person?

I need comfort.  I just want to be held and reassured.  Maybe I shouldn't need reassurance.  If you're secure, you're not supposed to need it, right?  But I do.  I don't care if I'm not supposed to, I do!  I need people  Life is too lonely without them.  I need people to care and hug me and tell me it's alright, they love me.  Why is that wrong?!  Why is needing other people wrong?  And why are people going to tell me: it's wrong to need reassurance instead of hugging me and telling me it's alright.  How does that reaction help anyone?

So what do I do?  I've tried to talk to them.  I honestly have.  I can't be the one who reaches out anymore.  It's killing me.  So I walk away.  But how do I do that?  I don't know how to walk away.  I have a deep need to understand my life.  And I don't.  If I understood, I could walk away, would know how to walk away.  But I don't understand.  And the understanding doesn't seem to be forthcoming.  Every time I try to talk to someone, every time I try to put myself on the line even once more, some how I never come away with more information.  And afterwards, every time, I break down a little more.  I need to understand what I did.  I need to understand so that I can get better and be a better person, so this never happens again.

Maybe I was too reliant on you.  Maybe it was unhealthy.  Maybe it was codependent.  I don't know!  But loving people isn't wrong.  It isn't!  And being hurt when someone you love no longer seems to care for you isn't unreasonable.  I'm hurt.  I'm broken.  And I just need a friend to throw me a lifeline and say: "I do care about you, despite everything, I do care about you."