Open

I'm not sure I want to be blogging about this subject.  I have permission from Boyfriend, who is involved with what I want to discuss, but I don't want to get judged.  I've never been afraid of being judged, not even when I was a little kid, so this is very strange for me.  The hardest thing for me?  Not telling the entire internet, but telling the people I know in person who I know read my blog.

So now that I've built it up to be this huge deal, I suppose I should actually talk about what I'm thinking about.  Boyfriend and I are currently living in different cities (far enough away that it's not easy to visit him necessarily). And I've had a couple people tell me it would be good for our relationship, which I only sort of agree with.  But one thing living away from him has done is give me more free time.

I read a lot more blogs on feminism, gender, sexuality, and political issues in general now.  I've learned more that I could possibly quantify over the past few months and what I've learned has changed my world view quite a lot.  Couple that with the fact that I'm dealing with my anger management issues now and I feel like a fairly different person.  One who is distinctly me in many ways, but one whose view of the world is profoundly different.

Senior year of high school (which is when I consider my life really starting to change) I believe that monogamous relationships are the only valid ones.  And that for me, the only relationship I wanted was a heterosexual one.  And even now, I will still admit that primarily am attracted to men.  I will give this to my past self, I didn't say: "I'm not attracted to women", but I did say: "I haven't been attracted to a women in my experience."  Years later, I have been attracted to women, so that's one part of the equation that's changed.

So, if one part of my romance equation wasn't true, it probably stands to reason the other wasn't.  Even a few months ago, I talk about how polyamory wasn't for me.  And the more time that has passed, the more I realized I hadn't really ever legitimately considered the option.  For quite awhile, I was hesitant to even talk to Boyfriend about what I was thinking about.  I finally got to mentioning it occasionally and we had a few brief chats.

A few days ago I finally talked with Boyfriend about the possibility of pursuing an open relationship.  I felt so much dread I was shaking and there was just no reason because he agreed that it was something that he would like to try.  The thing is, I don't want to go out an have casual sex with strangers. That really wasn't the point.  But a friends with benefits situation or even another relationship with another person interests me and is something that I would like to have as an option.

I haven't told very many people about this but I've already been forced to justify myself.  Yes I love Boyfriend.  Yes, our relationship is actually wonderful right now.  No, the reason isn't: "He's not enough for me."  What brought this on?  The belief that I honestly am not convinced that people are designed to be monogamous.  Do Boyfriend and I have limits/boundaries/ground rules about it? Yes, we've agreed to talk to each other about any relationship we may or may not start. (Note: Some of these were totally legitimate questions asked out of curiosity and not out of judgement.  But I find myself being very defensive, overly defensive even).

I don't like be judged.  I really don't.  But this is something that I would like to explore.