One of the very first things I did when I realized I was poly was locate good books on the subject. Will recommended The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy to me and I also bought Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which I will review when I finish.
I started The Ethical Slut right away and I liked the tone Janet and Dossie took immediately: accepting, personal, open. And I want to cover what I disliked now because I liked a lot more than I disliked. My three problems with book were that it was so general that I didn’t feel it ever related directly to my situation, I felt like I already knew the vast majority of the information, and the authors spend great length on defining an ethical slut and I’m pretty sure I don’t fit the definition of slut.
In regard to the first problem, I fully admit, the book is intended as a general overview, which is very very accepting of everyone. It does its best to assure us that as long as everyone is equal in the relationship that you’re doing just fine. And these are wonderful messages, but I just wanted more specific information. In relation to the second issue, I have done a lot of reading online about polyamory already, so the repeat of information is not particularly surprising. Finally, I don’t think being a slut is a bad thing. I think it’s a fairly awesome lifestyle but I have spent most of my latest years being monogamous and so have slept with very very few people. Dossie and Janet’s point is that being a slut is more a lifestyle than an action, but I’m just not entirely sure I agree. I am sex-positive, I think people should be allowed to have whatever and however much sex they would like as long as everyone is consenting, I just didn’t identify as a slut and thus every time the word was used I felt a weird dichotomy.
Really quickly, while I’m on the topic of disagreeing with the authors, their views on cheating were strange to me. While they did acknowledge that cheating in a closed, monogamous relationship was a major breach of trust, they professed that the partner who was cheated on should forgive their partner and that the relationship should be open. They stated that they believed this would be the best solution to solving the cheating problem. However they did not address that maybe the cheated on partner didn’t want to be nonmonogamous. They never really acknowledged that perhaps breaking up would be the best solution to this size of breach of trust and betrayal. And while I’m not positive that breaking up is warranted every single time a person is cheated on I think it certainly should at least be a very possible option (I can think of a few friends who may disagree with this statement).
Moving on: I have no intention of reviewing the book in order or chapter by chapter (mainly because I let someone else borrow the book and I don’t have it with me right now). I will however talk about things as the occur to me.
I greatly appreciate that the book addresses problems that happen in both “traditional” and “nontraditional” relationships. Janet and Dossie discuss jealousy, communication, break ups, and several other types of issues. The advice they give is solid (though I felt like skipping the chapter on jealous since it has never really been a big issue for me).
They also spend in depth time discussing terminology and defining what sex is (uggh hanging preposition again…I should fix that…). “What do you mean?” You say, “Sex is intercourse between a man and a woman” (penis-in-vagina sex). But that is an incredibly heteronormative point of view. Most of my friends, the authors of this book, and myself would say that sex can be considered any sexual act that you feel like qualifies.
In the beginning of the book, the authors talk about how and why monogamy is so common and valued in our society. They talk a great deal about Puritanical values and everything they say agrees with every history class I’ve ever taken. Apparently many other reviews of this book disagree with their statements about Puritans? Or something? I personally didn’t have problems with this section, nor did I believe they require citations.
As you might have noticed by now, I haven’t talked much about nonmonogamy/polyamory. It’s interesting, but the sections of these topics didn’t stick in my mind as much as the other parts. Again, I think this is because the book was so general; more of an overview of polyamory than a how to guide.
Overall, it’s a great book. I keep meaning to try the writing exercises they include throughout the book. Many of them seem like they could be extremely helpful. Even if know a fair amount about polyamory, I do recommend it, I just didn’t connect with it quite as much as I could have.
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