I'm not even sure how much caffeine I've had in the last five (including today) days. I'm sorry for any horrible grammar/spelling/etc errors I've made while blogging. I managed to spend $25 on coffee in four days.
Starting on Boxing Day, the fewest amount of hours I've worked per day has been nine. I worked ten on Monday, nine on Tuesday, twelve on Wednesday, and eleven yesterday. I think today I'm working ten. We're in the space doing intensive spacing and with high schoolers, and that's not easy.
On top of my work schedule, it's the last week that most my closest friends (not to mention Boyfriend) are in town because of college's Christmas break and I'm trying really hard to hang out with them as much as possible. I have slept a total of twenty hours in five days and only been home for maybe...twelve (?) of those.
Tomorrow I have Christmas with my friends (which has been my favorite tradition for five years now) and while I have all my gifts sewn, I realized I haven't even wrapped them because I've been home so rarely.
So...I have really lost track of this post. I have no idea what my point was. I was spinning around in circles at Will's house yesterday because I was so high from lack of sleep. Basically, I'm fucking exhausted. I'm going to go home and sleep tonight so I can actually be awake for second Christmas tomorrow. Next week however, I have so much time to sleep and hang out. Timing was just about the worst ever.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo- My Thoughts
Yesterday night I went to A Girl with a Dragon Tattoo with Lana (the theatre was incredibly crowded (ie completely full) on a 9p on a Tuesday night). I have been meaning to read the book for ages, but just have never quite gotten around to it, which means I have no idea how the book reads. I want to talk about the women in the story for a moment and I think I can do it without spoiling you anymore than a summary would, but be warned spoilers and very very possible triggers (I was ahoy.
The movie itself played out like a book, which I didn't know was possible for a movie to do. It was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time (though I don't actually watch many movies), but it also was the most triggering and difficult to get through that I have ever seen. The movie features two scenes where a women is forced into sexual situations and is raped and one seen where the woman takes vengeance against her attacker in the form of both rape and violence. And all three of the scenes made my grit my teeth, tense up, squeeze Lana's hand and just try to get through it. I'm not sure I ever
The movie features one of the most independent and strong woman I have ever seen depicted in literature, television, or film. The audience is made aware that she has been abused multiple times throughout her life if they can do a little reading between the lines. And she certainly is traumatized by this, but she is shown, despite being quite young, as being completely able to handle herself.
Though the movie is primarily populated with men, it does pass the Bechdel Test (a movie passes if it has two named female characters who have a conversation which is not about a man). And the women who are not the protagonists are also frequently portrayed as strong. It is movie about the victimization and assault of women, so the strong contrast between women in vulnerable positions and women rescuing themselves from those situations is a strong and unusual one.
Always in movies the women are rescued by men or, very very occasionally, but other women. I'm not sure I have ever seen a woman who was able to deal with a situation by herself. Now, I want to be very very clear, many women in situations like the ones in this movie do need help. Situations can easily get beyond one person's ability to handle the, and so they should be encouraged to ask for help. What just struck md most was movies always portray men as the knight in shining armor and this time is was the women, both for themselves and others, who were the "knight in shining armor"
The movie itself played out like a book, which I didn't know was possible for a movie to do. It was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time (though I don't actually watch many movies), but it also was the most triggering and difficult to get through that I have ever seen. The movie features two scenes where a women is forced into sexual situations and is raped and one seen where the woman takes vengeance against her attacker in the form of both rape and violence. And all three of the scenes made my grit my teeth, tense up, squeeze Lana's hand and just try to get through it. I'm not sure I ever
The movie features one of the most independent and strong woman I have ever seen depicted in literature, television, or film. The audience is made aware that she has been abused multiple times throughout her life if they can do a little reading between the lines. And she certainly is traumatized by this, but she is shown, despite being quite young, as being completely able to handle herself.
Though the movie is primarily populated with men, it does pass the Bechdel Test (a movie passes if it has two named female characters who have a conversation which is not about a man). And the women who are not the protagonists are also frequently portrayed as strong. It is movie about the victimization and assault of women, so the strong contrast between women in vulnerable positions and women rescuing themselves from those situations is a strong and unusual one.
Always in movies the women are rescued by men or, very very occasionally, but other women. I'm not sure I have ever seen a woman who was able to deal with a situation by herself. Now, I want to be very very clear, many women in situations like the ones in this movie do need help. Situations can easily get beyond one person's ability to handle the, and so they should be encouraged to ask for help. What just struck md most was movies always portray men as the knight in shining armor and this time is was the women, both for themselves and others, who were the "knight in shining armor"
A Review: The Ethical Slut
One of the very first things I did when I realized I was poly was locate good books on the subject. Will recommended The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy to me and I also bought Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which I will review when I finish.
I started The Ethical Slut right away and I liked the tone Janet and Dossie took immediately: accepting, personal, open. And I want to cover what I disliked now because I liked a lot more than I disliked. My three problems with book were that it was so general that I didn’t feel it ever related directly to my situation, I felt like I already knew the vast majority of the information, and the authors spend great length on defining an ethical slut and I’m pretty sure I don’t fit the definition of slut.
In regard to the first problem, I fully admit, the book is intended as a general overview, which is very very accepting of everyone. It does its best to assure us that as long as everyone is equal in the relationship that you’re doing just fine. And these are wonderful messages, but I just wanted more specific information. In relation to the second issue, I have done a lot of reading online about polyamory already, so the repeat of information is not particularly surprising. Finally, I don’t think being a slut is a bad thing. I think it’s a fairly awesome lifestyle but I have spent most of my latest years being monogamous and so have slept with very very few people. Dossie and Janet’s point is that being a slut is more a lifestyle than an action, but I’m just not entirely sure I agree. I am sex-positive, I think people should be allowed to have whatever and however much sex they would like as long as everyone is consenting, I just didn’t identify as a slut and thus every time the word was used I felt a weird dichotomy.
Really quickly, while I’m on the topic of disagreeing with the authors, their views on cheating were strange to me. While they did acknowledge that cheating in a closed, monogamous relationship was a major breach of trust, they professed that the partner who was cheated on should forgive their partner and that the relationship should be open. They stated that they believed this would be the best solution to solving the cheating problem. However they did not address that maybe the cheated on partner didn’t want to be nonmonogamous. They never really acknowledged that perhaps breaking up would be the best solution to this size of breach of trust and betrayal. And while I’m not positive that breaking up is warranted every single time a person is cheated on I think it certainly should at least be a very possible option (I can think of a few friends who may disagree with this statement).
Moving on: I have no intention of reviewing the book in order or chapter by chapter (mainly because I let someone else borrow the book and I don’t have it with me right now). I will however talk about things as the occur to me.
I greatly appreciate that the book addresses problems that happen in both “traditional” and “nontraditional” relationships. Janet and Dossie discuss jealousy, communication, break ups, and several other types of issues. The advice they give is solid (though I felt like skipping the chapter on jealous since it has never really been a big issue for me).
They also spend in depth time discussing terminology and defining what sex is (uggh hanging preposition again…I should fix that…). “What do you mean?” You say, “Sex is intercourse between a man and a woman” (penis-in-vagina sex). But that is an incredibly heteronormative point of view. Most of my friends, the authors of this book, and myself would say that sex can be considered any sexual act that you feel like qualifies.
In the beginning of the book, the authors talk about how and why monogamy is so common and valued in our society. They talk a great deal about Puritanical values and everything they say agrees with every history class I’ve ever taken. Apparently many other reviews of this book disagree with their statements about Puritans? Or something? I personally didn’t have problems with this section, nor did I believe they require citations.
As you might have noticed by now, I haven’t talked much about nonmonogamy/polyamory. It’s interesting, but the sections of these topics didn’t stick in my mind as much as the other parts. Again, I think this is because the book was so general; more of an overview of polyamory than a how to guide.
Overall, it’s a great book. I keep meaning to try the writing exercises they include throughout the book. Many of them seem like they could be extremely helpful. Even if know a fair amount about polyamory, I do recommend it, I just didn’t connect with it quite as much as I could have.
I started The Ethical Slut right away and I liked the tone Janet and Dossie took immediately: accepting, personal, open. And I want to cover what I disliked now because I liked a lot more than I disliked. My three problems with book were that it was so general that I didn’t feel it ever related directly to my situation, I felt like I already knew the vast majority of the information, and the authors spend great length on defining an ethical slut and I’m pretty sure I don’t fit the definition of slut.
In regard to the first problem, I fully admit, the book is intended as a general overview, which is very very accepting of everyone. It does its best to assure us that as long as everyone is equal in the relationship that you’re doing just fine. And these are wonderful messages, but I just wanted more specific information. In relation to the second issue, I have done a lot of reading online about polyamory already, so the repeat of information is not particularly surprising. Finally, I don’t think being a slut is a bad thing. I think it’s a fairly awesome lifestyle but I have spent most of my latest years being monogamous and so have slept with very very few people. Dossie and Janet’s point is that being a slut is more a lifestyle than an action, but I’m just not entirely sure I agree. I am sex-positive, I think people should be allowed to have whatever and however much sex they would like as long as everyone is consenting, I just didn’t identify as a slut and thus every time the word was used I felt a weird dichotomy.
Really quickly, while I’m on the topic of disagreeing with the authors, their views on cheating were strange to me. While they did acknowledge that cheating in a closed, monogamous relationship was a major breach of trust, they professed that the partner who was cheated on should forgive their partner and that the relationship should be open. They stated that they believed this would be the best solution to solving the cheating problem. However they did not address that maybe the cheated on partner didn’t want to be nonmonogamous. They never really acknowledged that perhaps breaking up would be the best solution to this size of breach of trust and betrayal. And while I’m not positive that breaking up is warranted every single time a person is cheated on I think it certainly should at least be a very possible option (I can think of a few friends who may disagree with this statement).
Moving on: I have no intention of reviewing the book in order or chapter by chapter (mainly because I let someone else borrow the book and I don’t have it with me right now). I will however talk about things as the occur to me.
I greatly appreciate that the book addresses problems that happen in both “traditional” and “nontraditional” relationships. Janet and Dossie discuss jealousy, communication, break ups, and several other types of issues. The advice they give is solid (though I felt like skipping the chapter on jealous since it has never really been a big issue for me).
They also spend in depth time discussing terminology and defining what sex is (uggh hanging preposition again…I should fix that…). “What do you mean?” You say, “Sex is intercourse between a man and a woman” (penis-in-vagina sex). But that is an incredibly heteronormative point of view. Most of my friends, the authors of this book, and myself would say that sex can be considered any sexual act that you feel like qualifies.
In the beginning of the book, the authors talk about how and why monogamy is so common and valued in our society. They talk a great deal about Puritanical values and everything they say agrees with every history class I’ve ever taken. Apparently many other reviews of this book disagree with their statements about Puritans? Or something? I personally didn’t have problems with this section, nor did I believe they require citations.
As you might have noticed by now, I haven’t talked much about nonmonogamy/polyamory. It’s interesting, but the sections of these topics didn’t stick in my mind as much as the other parts. Again, I think this is because the book was so general; more of an overview of polyamory than a how to guide.
Overall, it’s a great book. I keep meaning to try the writing exercises they include throughout the book. Many of them seem like they could be extremely helpful. Even if know a fair amount about polyamory, I do recommend it, I just didn’t connect with it quite as much as I could have.
Editing
It amazing when I'm speaking to people how much I edit out details I don’t want them to know. Lana becomes my best friend instead of my girlfriend (this is the most common edit I’ve made of late). I was “hanging out with my boyfriend and girlfriend” becomes “I was hanging out with my friends.”
It’s not that either of those statements are untrue when phrased either way. One statement is certainly more true (to me) however. It’s not even that I’m uncomfortable with the full truth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself every day. My biggest reason? Because as soon as I say something about being poly or queer, even just in passing, it means I have to explain and explaining is a) hard and involved and b) occasionally risky.
Is censoring my speech supposed to be so easy? Maybe I’m just used to it. My job requires it. The actors cannot know much of what the directors know, so I naturally change what I say to them. I’ve gotten good at it and it’s bled into my normal life. I’m honestly not sure if it’s necessary or if it’s something I want to change. I suspect that it’s a bit of both.
It’s not that either of those statements are untrue when phrased either way. One statement is certainly more true (to me) however. It’s not even that I’m uncomfortable with the full truth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself every day. My biggest reason? Because as soon as I say something about being poly or queer, even just in passing, it means I have to explain and explaining is a) hard and involved and b) occasionally risky.
Is censoring my speech supposed to be so easy? Maybe I’m just used to it. My job requires it. The actors cannot know much of what the directors know, so I naturally change what I say to them. I’ve gotten good at it and it’s bled into my normal life. I’m honestly not sure if it’s necessary or if it’s something I want to change. I suspect that it’s a bit of both.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tradition
Thus far in my blog, I haven't mentioned the area I live in aside from Pacific Northwest. I do this for obvious reasons and I'm not about to give out my address. However, I do live close enough to Seattle to take a day trip into the city on the occasion and my family has done a trip into Seattle on Christmas Eve since I was born.
It's a funny little tradition but generally one I have a lot of fun with. For the past several years it's been my mom, dad, sisters, mom's parents, and Boyfriend. We do a lot of window shopping and have some delicious food. Here are some pictures I took (with my phone (I should have thought to bring my actual camera)) from Pike Place Market (mostly). No people or faces, just some of the gorgeous views.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Cramps
Fucking cramps. Fuck. God dammit. They've been so bad in the mornings the past two days. Doubled over, hard to move, pain almost to the point of tears (or this morning, pain to the point of tears). I am so exceedingly jealous of people who have never experienced cramps.
The first time I missed a day of school for cramps was really the first time I had really really bad cramps. My period started in fourth grade but in seventh, in science class, I remember having to limp to the nurses' office, white as a sheet. I could barely walk and the nurse took one look at me and called my mother. My parents immediately picked me up, but had to make a stop on the way home. I ended up throwing up in the parking lot because the pain was so bad.
Freshmen and sophomore years of high school I missed a volleyball open gym one time and had to call my mom to go home early one day, but the summer before junior year I had the worst cramps I had yet to experience. They woke me up, which is something that has only happened that one time (normally sleeping helps my cramps). I was in San Diego and staying in a hotel room by myself. I literally crawled to the bathroom, turned the shower up all the way to hot and crawled in. I must have stayed there for over an hour, wishing for some release of the pain. Finally the cramps let up and I was able to go back to bed.
The summer after junior year I was on one of the longest trips I've ever taken: a full month. We did Boise to Reno to Boise (there may have been another city or two in there, I forget). The first time we were in Boise, I was on the hide-a-bed (my sisters always made me sleep on them). I couldn't move for two days. My cramps had never lasted more than a day, at least at that horrible stomach turning, tear causing intensity. I spent two full days curled up in a ball in my bed or around the toilet, throwing up, unable to keep any food down. I had a fever and I honestly can't remember what happened during those two days. I know people came and went from my family's room, but I have no idea who. I couldn't walk. I couldn't move. My parents gave me pain meds that did nothing for the pain. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. It felt like my uterus was trying to rip it's way out of my body and destroying everything in it's wake.
When senior year I got cramps bad enough that I didn't go to school two days in a row, I finally went on birth control and my cramps have been infinitely more manageable since then. It's only when I go off birth control for a month and then go back on it that my body decides to flip out.
The first time I missed a day of school for cramps was really the first time I had really really bad cramps. My period started in fourth grade but in seventh, in science class, I remember having to limp to the nurses' office, white as a sheet. I could barely walk and the nurse took one look at me and called my mother. My parents immediately picked me up, but had to make a stop on the way home. I ended up throwing up in the parking lot because the pain was so bad.
Freshmen and sophomore years of high school I missed a volleyball open gym one time and had to call my mom to go home early one day, but the summer before junior year I had the worst cramps I had yet to experience. They woke me up, which is something that has only happened that one time (normally sleeping helps my cramps). I was in San Diego and staying in a hotel room by myself. I literally crawled to the bathroom, turned the shower up all the way to hot and crawled in. I must have stayed there for over an hour, wishing for some release of the pain. Finally the cramps let up and I was able to go back to bed.
The summer after junior year I was on one of the longest trips I've ever taken: a full month. We did Boise to Reno to Boise (there may have been another city or two in there, I forget). The first time we were in Boise, I was on the hide-a-bed (my sisters always made me sleep on them). I couldn't move for two days. My cramps had never lasted more than a day, at least at that horrible stomach turning, tear causing intensity. I spent two full days curled up in a ball in my bed or around the toilet, throwing up, unable to keep any food down. I had a fever and I honestly can't remember what happened during those two days. I know people came and went from my family's room, but I have no idea who. I couldn't walk. I couldn't move. My parents gave me pain meds that did nothing for the pain. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. It felt like my uterus was trying to rip it's way out of my body and destroying everything in it's wake.
When senior year I got cramps bad enough that I didn't go to school two days in a row, I finally went on birth control and my cramps have been infinitely more manageable since then. It's only when I go off birth control for a month and then go back on it that my body decides to flip out.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Some Things I've Learned
- I hate -absolutely HATE- the butterfly nervous people I get before asking someone out. I have never liked it. I have plenty of friends who enjoy it sorta, but it makes me feel sick and the anticipation kills me.
- When you're dating two people, weird complications pop up that you wouldn't expect. Who do you sit next to in the car if one of you is driving? Who do you sit next to in the car when a friend is driving? You could all sit in the back but then the poor driver gets nervous.
- I dislike the idea of being judged more than actually being judged
- My mom still has a lot of influence over my life. She mentioned being nervous about me liking a girl because of other people's reactions once and now I just can't forget.
- I really (still) don't like being the absolute center of attention. It makes me nervous.
- I can split my attention less well than I thought I could.
- I feel compelled to tell everyone around me about the changes in my life, even though it is nervous-making, because if I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them.
- I am more prone to panic attacks than I've ever realized. Hopefully they'll settle down soon.
- It really bothers me to say that I'm bisexual to people as a simplification for my sexuality, because I really am not bisexual.
- I have the best friends and family I could really ask for. They've been really accepting and have made this transition a lot easier for me.
- I have a moirail (spoilers for Homestuck, examine at your own peril (you may become addicted))
- I am really, really happy right now.
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