Friday, December 9, 2011

Out of the Closet?

"Kaylee, do you like girls?"

There's the question my mother has been dancing around for weeks.  I think about the phrasing for a second.  I don't like women.  I don't like most women.  I don't like some women.  I like the very occasional woman.

"Umm...not really."

She's not happy with that answer at all.

"I don't like women very often, but I'm attracted to women very occasionally."

She's happier with this answer.

"Are you bi then?"

Again, a tricky question.

"I don't identify that way, no."

She's not going to be satisfied with that answer so I explained what being queer means.

"And Boyfriend is okay with this?"

This question is easy.

"Yes, he's completely okay with this.  Why wouldn't he be?"

"I don't know, most people wouldn't be okay with this.  So, he'd be okay with you asking out a girl?"

"Completely okay with it."

She just doesn't seem to understand that concept.

"So he's just not the jealous type."

As she completely misses the point.

"Not really I guess."

"Is he attracted to men then?"

"Not really."

I'm barely comfortable discussing my sexuality with her, let alone Boyfriend's.  I shift uncomfortably, try to keep sewing, but have pretty much no success.

"Are you okay with this then?"

I have to ask her.  If I didn't I would have just wondered forever.

"Well.  It's not my favorite..."

Oh great.

"I just don't understand.  I could never be attracted to another woman, so I just don't understand completely...It's just. Your life is going to be so difficult."

Sigh.  Mother.

"I already have so many friends who are gay or bi.  I stand up for them already.  I get in the middle of people gay bashing already.  I can handle myself."

I realize personal discrimination is a lot different than just defending your friends or people you know, but...I don't know.

"But what about your schools.  Weren't people mean and abusive?"

"No, not really."

I don't know why.  My schools were always, if not accepting, then extremely indifferent.

"Did you think that we were going to kick you out or something?"


"Well, why didn't you tell us sooner?"

Sooner? I'm still barely in the process of understanding this myself.  I was going to tell them in a couple weeks.  When I was ready and prepped to do so.  I wasn't ready for this conversation.

"This is a really recent thing, so I'm not sure what you mean."

"Well, we always knew that you'd done things with girls?"

"You mean beyond a kiss in a game like Truth or Dare?  No, not really."

In retrospect this isn't strictly this complete and utter truth, but at the time I wasn't really thinking.

"Well, we thought you'd gone on a date or something."



Parents.  I've told you everything.  I don't know why you think I'm haven't told you things.  My mom walked away after this, went in the kitchen and did the dishes.  

Glad we had this little talk Mom.  Not really at all.  It wasn't something I wanted to do.  It mostly ruined my entire day.  I wasn't prepped.  I wasn't in a mental space where I was ready to do that talk.  At least I didn't get kicked out or something I guess.

I can't even imagine poor people whose parents yell and scream and actually kick them out.  I have it lucky. Really lucky.  But that doesn't mean that conversation was one I really wanted to have.

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