Free Write

This second post I debated even posting.  It was written the day before Lana went back to college and really was a free write about whatever happened to be on my mind.  I suppose I'll post it anyway, even though it's not  quite relevant to me anymore.

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I've had fun.  I really have.  I'm comfortable with Lana.  She's a great friend and I enjoy having a relationship that's more than friendship with her.  I'm not having panic attachs about the changes in my life anymore.  At most I have mild anxiety occasionally.  So why do I feel like I've built up all these good things to one big "But"?

There's not a "but".  There's just a feeling of unease.  I'm not even sure what it's about.  It's so frustrating that I can't figure out why I'm feeling the way I am.  I think it's mostly that Lana leaves tomorrow and then I'll have no company at all (which was unexpectedly not the truth since Will ended up back home for really unfortunate reasons).  I can make new friends.  I have made new friends.  I really like the people I'm currently working with (I also like the people at my new job) but they aren't really people I want to hang out with.

I hung out with people in college, but I never really clicked with them.  In a way, having some time to think is good for me.  It generally means I blog more too (when I'm not finishing one job and starting another) and I really do enjoy blogging.

I've thought about why I'm happier with poly and I still don't know.*  I'm so comfortable just being with Boyfriend; not even talking or doing anything necessarily, just being together with him.  We've been together so long and he makes me happy.  I can lean on him and tell him pretty much everything.  He's very much my partner in all/most ways.  

I've known Lana as long as I've known Boyfriend (longer really) and we've been good friends most of that time.  I've always been comfortable around her.  She's calm, soothing, and she keeps me calm.  I don't know why, but a firm, quier word from her generally helps me catch my temper more than most other things.  unfortunately, though I love him dearly, a word from Boyfriend doesn't do that (anymore?).  We just have too much history with each other.  Again, being with Lana is comfortable.  We sorta fell into our relationship and it was just natural.  We already knew each other so well, why should things be awkward?

That's not to say there isn't passion in both relationships, because there is, but I enjoy the comfortableness immensely.  Actually, I think that's what's been tripping m up most.  Boyfriend and Lana do fit different places in my life; different wants and needs, but both relationships feel similar at times because they feel so natural to me.  Well, that's relieving.  I'm fairly happy with that explanation as to why I enjoy poly for now.  I think I just had to write it out in order to figure it out.

Also, since this is a free write: it was really cute, today on of my actresses asked one of my actors to tolo.  I was amused.  This cast gets along better than any other I've ever worked with.  I suspect  that it's mostly that they all want to date each other, but even the fairly young ones fit in great.  Umm...I've started saying umm, so I think that might be the end of this free write.

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I talk a lot about my motives and my thoughts, but I realize that when I actually talk about my feelings I get less comfortable posting it on the internet.  What if someone gets offended over what I actually feel?  What if I completely drop any mask I'm wearing and have to pay for it?  I don't know, I think that's probably why I almost didn't post this.

*Note: I also did a lot more thinking about it and I think the biggest reason I like poly is how much pressure it takes of me and Boyfriend.  We can be enough for each other without trying to force each other to be people who we're not.