Two Parts

Being Myself

My show opened! I’m so excited! Oddly enough for me, once a show’s open the entire process gets less stressful; more routine.  Opening night went really well, the best we had run the show yet, especially since we had only had two dress rehearsals before opening and not one of them had used absolutely all of the technical elements that were called for.  Our performances on Sunday went less well, but many of the problems were largely out of our hands.

What I have noticed, over and over again lately, though is the contrast between myself at work and myself with friends (particularly with Lana and Boyfriend).  At work, I’m serious, composed, completely in control.  I’m quiet.  I listen to everyone else around me and comment occasionally when I think there is something that needs to be said.  I’m naturally and incredibly sarcastic/sassy person and that side of me only comes out at work when I am really comfortable with the people I’m working for.  Thinking about it, this is largely how I am with my family too (though my temper is rarely triggered at work and frequently triggered by my family).  And while I really thoroughly like pretty much everyone I’m working with and my family, the change when I hang out with my friends is spectacular.

When I’m with my closest friends, I am physically (shoulder tension, etc) more relaxed.  I laugh more.  I speak (a lot) more.  I don’t have a great sense of humor, but I make more jokes.  I feel like myself.  But that’s not to say that how I am at work or with my family isn’t who I am.  Because that calm, collected, in control person was all I was growing up (though my temper and anger was also a big part of me, but that’s probably another post). I had friends throughout my life that brought out the silly side of me, but our friendships only lasted at most four years (essentially as long as I went to their school).  I’ve never had friends that last through long distance and being at different schools.  It’s new or different.

I have never squealed in delight like a five year old (I never felt like a child growing up.  I wanted to be taken seriously) from a tickle fight (I lost, but I think Lana came in a close second to losing.  Boyfriend always wins, it’s not fairrrrr!).  It’s just a part of myself I didn’t know existed and I am loathe to give up my friends (even if some of them do have fantastic job offers already) as they disperse permanently across the country because I’m afraid I’ll lose that part of myself.

Well, in closing, I want to note that this post was really intended as a: “there are two parts to myself post” as opposed to a “I love my friends” post, but it sorta morphed and evolved.  I do know that my original point was that when I’m at work or with my family, I’m not putting on a façade; that really is part of me.  I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be anyone other than myself.  But, when I’m with my friends, I have discovered a part of me I didn’t know existed and I’m really happy about it.  In short, I like that I don’t have to put on a mask.  I like that I’m self-aware enough to have two, distinct, but cohesive parts of myself.